Joke or Pic of the day

[Boingo]

New car option

[puttenvr]

[Boingo]

[GRRAVEE]

heh........

[Boingo]

space humor...

[Dan the Speakerman]

Here's some great quotes!

My sister-in-law sent me these....really funny stuff!

1) When I die, I want to die like my grandfather-who died peacefully in his
sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car." --Author Unknown

2) Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do
what it says on the aspirin bottle: "Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from
children" --Author Unknown

3) "Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for
that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar." --Drew Carey

4) "Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and
just give her a house," --Rod Stewart

5) "The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job,
but if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the
night, drop them off at the wrong house." --Jeff Foxworthy

6) "See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough
blood to run one at a time." --Robin Williams

7) "If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's
life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if
there is a man on base." --Dave Barry

8) "What do people mean when they say the computer went down on them?" --Marilyn
Pittman

9) "Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and we should treat it
like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give
you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, and before they leave you,
they should have to find you a temp." --Bob Ettinger

10) "My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake
and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how
to swim." --Paula Poundstone

11) "A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills
than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: "Duh." --Conan
O'Brien

12) "Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm halfway through my fish
burger and I realize, Oh my God.... I could be eating a slow learner." --Lynda
Montgomery

13) "I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said,
'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough.
Let's go west.'" --Richard Jeni

14) "If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be
dead." --Johnny Carson

15) "Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography." --Paul
Rodriguez

16) "My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty, and
that's the law." --Jerry Seinfeld

17) "Remember in elementary school, you were told that in case of fire you have
to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the
logic in that? What, do tall people burn slower?" --Warren Hutcherson

18) "Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many. Monogamy is the same." --Oscar
Wilde

19) "Suppose you were an idiot ... And suppose you were a member of Congress ...
But I repeat myself." --Mark Twain

20) "Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they
can find Afghanistan." --A. Whitney Brown

21) "Ah, yes, divorce..., from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's
genitals through his wallet." --Robin Williams

22) "Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only
time of the month that I can be myself." --Roseanne

23) "Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place." --Billy Crystal

24) "You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look
that says, 'My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!'" --Dave
Barry

25) Do you know why they call it "PMS"? Because " Mad Cow Disease" was taken.
--Unknown, presumed deceased

[...andrelax]

Re: Here's some great quotes!

http://www.mit.edu/~jcb/jokes/viola.html

musician jokes
vital part of our education i'd say

[gingerbaker]

with apologies

An elderly Irish gentleman named John Shawnessey is lying on his death bed, awaiting the end. He smells the aroma of chocolate-chip cookies--his favorite.

He decides that, if he must die, he is going to die with the taste of chocolate-chip cookies in his mouth. He slowly and painfully drags himself from his bed. With tremondous effort, he crawls down the stairs and into the kitchen, following the delicious aroma. He enters the kitchen, and spies a plate of chocolate chip cookies on top of the refrigerator.

Summoning the last of his strength, he claws his way up the side of the fridge and takes a cookie. Just as he is about to put it in his mouth, his wife appears and whacks him over the head with a spoon.

"Get away from those cookies, John Shawnessey!" cries his wife. "Those are for the funeral!"

[Boingo]

You'll Know Yours Is A Redneck Church If:


The finance committee refuses to provide funds for the purchase of a chandelier because none of the members knows how to play one.

People ask, when they learn that Jesus fed the 5000, whether the two fish were bass or catfish, and what bait was used to catch 'em.

When the pastor says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering," five guys and two women stand up.

Opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church holiday.

A member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because "It ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get out of."

The choir is known as the "OK Chorale."

Boone's Farm "Tickle Pink" is the favorite wine for communion.

In a congregation of 500 members, there are only seven last names in the church directory.

Baptism is referred to as "branding."

There is a special fund raiser for a new church septic tank.

Finding and returning lost sheep isn't just a parable.

High notes on the organ set the dogs on the floor to howling.

People think "rapture" is what you get when you lift something too heavy.

The baptismal font is a #2 galvanized washtub.

The choir robes were donated by (and embroidered with the logo from) Billy Bob's Barbecue.

The collection plates are really hub caps from a '56 Chevy.

[Boingo]

Fly Swatter
-----------

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking
around with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing/" she asked. "Hunting Flies" he responded.

"Oh!, Killing any?" she asked.

"Yep, 3 males and 2 females", he replied.

Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"

He responded, "3 were on a beer can and 2 were on the phone."

[gingerbaker]

There was this businessman who had to meet an important client at the airport. While at the airport bar waiting for his potential client, he sees Bill Gates sitting by himself in the corner. With nothing to lose, he walks over and introduces himself to Bill: " Hello Mr. Gates, I am a big fan and was wondering if you could do me a favor?"

"That depends" replies Bill.

"You see in a few minutes a possible client is going to meet me here, and if I get their business it will change my life. Could you just please walk by and say hello to me as if we were long lost friends? My name is Chuck."

"Sure," Bill agrees happily.

As the time passes Chuck is in the middle of his meeting and Bill walks up. "Hello Chuck, It's been a long time! How have you been?"

Chuck looks at Bill and says with conviction "**** off Gates, I'm in a meeting!"

[gingerbaker]

A ventriloquist is working down South and during his show a hick stands up and yells,"HEY YOU! ON STAGE! You been making smart-ass remarks about us southerners being stupid all night long! We're not all stupid ya know!"

" Relax" said the ventriloquist, "They're just jokes!"

"I'm not talking to you, sir!" The hick replied "I'm talking to that little bastard sitting on your knee!"

[gingerbaker]

Two Arabs are chatting. One of them has his wallet out and is flipping through pictures. "Yeah, this is my oldest. He's a martyr. Here's my second son. He's a martyr, too."

There's a pause...

The second Arab says, wistfully, "Ah, they blow up so fast, don't they?"

[gingerbaker]

A young, good looking, extremely wealthy, 35 year-old guy goes to his doctor for a physical. After his doctor checks him out and finds him in excellent health asks if there's anything he may have missed that's bothering him. The man says everything is fine except for one problem. The doctor asks, "what is it?"

The guy says, "well, every day I wake up around 8am and my wife, a 21-year-old former Miss Brazil who is a gourmet chef and sexual dynamo, goes right under the covers and gives me the most fantastic blowjob in the world, after she finishes that I jump in the shower and she goes downstairs and makes a big beautiful breakfast, which we both eat, after which she insiststhat I make wild love to her on the kitchen floor before I go to the office."

The doctor, a bit taken back asks, "you do that every morning?" The guy responds "every morning." The doctor asks, "then what?"

"Well", the guy says, "I get to the office and my secretary, who is a 22-year-old beautiful blonde bombshell, and former Miss October 2001, follows me right into the office, gets under my desk and gives me a blowjob that rivals the ones my wife gives me. Then I head out for lunch, return around 2pm, at which time my secretary gathers two other secretaries from the office (both perfect 10s) and the four of us go at it for about two hours on the carpet in front of my desk."

The doctor, again taken back asks, "you do that every afternoon?" The guy responds "every afternoon." The doctors asks, "then what?"

Our hero then says, "then I go home and my wife has a great big gourmet dinner ready for me, we eat and I take her and our 19-year-old Swedish maid upstairs and the three of us have about an hour-long orgy, then, I watch them go at it for another hour or so and then I go to sleep."

The doctor who's jaw is now on the floor, asks, "you do that every night?" The guy responds "every night." The doctors asks, "so what's the problem!?!" The guy answers, "I get dizzy when I jerk off."

[Rythmstik]

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