My bass player decided to get back at me for my endless jokes about bass players. It's OK with me, because I was starting to feel kind of low for picking on such an easy target anyway.
So, for your amusement, or too close to the truth kind of pain...
''FINES FOR DRUMMERS''
> Subject: Drummer's Fines
DRUMMERS REAL NAME: _______________________________ (other than
"sticks", "backbeat", "snake", "Biff "... etc.)
-Setup / Equipment Offences-
Brings a 36" bass drum - $25.
Has more than one bass drum - $100.
Brings a 10" deep snare (for a solid back beat) - $50.
Brings more than 2 mounted toms - $25.
Has a tubular chrome bar that holds all his mounted toms - $50.
Brings more than one floor tom - $25.
Uses extra floor tom for ashtray & drink holder - $75.
Brings more than two crash cymbals - $25.
Doesn't bring a ride cymbal - $250.
Uses Sabian B8 cymbal set - Dismissal & Public Torture.
Uses ZBT, ZXT, et al cymbal set - Public Execution.
Brings a 46" Chinese gong (for big endings) - $75.
Brings two timpani (for really big endings) - $100.
Brings extra splashes (Just in case) - $25 each.
Doesn't own any brushes - $300.
Owns brushes but can't play them - $500.
Has a hi-hat that is welded shut - $250.
Asks leader where he can plug in his headphones - $200.
Asks Guitarist for help with unloading drums - $150.
Wears dirty white Nike sneakers on tux gig - $50.
Tunes snare drum during the benediction - $175.
Tunes snare drum - $10.
-Performance Offences-
Plays eighth note rock ballad style on "Stardust" - $150.
Pretends to read chart with big band - $25.
Actually reads drum part for big band (note for note) -$200.
Asks bass player "Where are we?" on "Happy Birthday" - $1000.
Plays disco beat on "A Train" - $200.
Plays shuffle on "Mustang Sally" - $100.
Plays "Mustang Sally" correctly – Dismissal.
Takes fours on "The Bride Cuts the Cake" - $100.
Takes a break when the leader says "A request for Take 5" - $25.
Actually tries to play on "Take 5" - $150.
Asks leader what brushes are - $250.
Plays breaks in "Cute" with sticks - $50.
Plays blast beats during "Johnny B. Goode" - $500.
-Miscellaneous Offences-
Mentions to host that "DJs are the wave of the future" - $100.
Is first in line at the party's buffet -$50.
Asks where the "to-go bags" are at the buffet line -$100.
Asks the bartender for 3 "Purple Shooters" - $50.
Says to the bride "You've got a nice set of hooters" - $25.
Says to the brides mother "Hey this is a f#%*in' good party"- $150.
Is ten minutes late for the next set - $25.
Is twenty minutes late for the next set - $10.
Never shows up for the next set - $1.
Wears Slipknot makeup for band photo shoot – Dismissal
Excessive Sweating - $5000.
-Drummer Crimes-
Warming up on "60 Ways..." or "Rosanna." - $50.
LISTENING to Rosanna, even in private with headphones on - $50.
Extends solo in Zep's "Rock & Roll" to 10 minutes - $1000.
Bringing a mega kit to a multiband gig - $100.
Breaking that kit down on stage after your ****ty set - $250.
Asks bassist to move rig so third floor tom will fit onstage - $50 per Sq. Ft.) Extra logo stickers on bass drum head - $75 each.
Stick holders - $10.
Drumming Shoes - $100.
Drumming gloves – Dismissal.
Double pedals - $500.
USING the double pedals. – Dismissal.
Wearing Zildjian T-shirt onstage. - $50.
Roto toms - $50 each.
RIMS mounts and Moongel used simultaneously - Public Flogging.
Extra deep kicks and toms - $50 each.
Glow in the dark drumsticks - $500.
Asks keyboard player about GED test - $150.
Hits on singer's girlfriend - $5.
Hits on club owner's wife - $1000.
Jim
So, for your amusement, or too close to the truth kind of pain...
''FINES FOR DRUMMERS''
> Subject: Drummer's Fines
DRUMMERS REAL NAME: _______________________________ (other than
"sticks", "backbeat", "snake", "Biff "... etc.)
-Setup / Equipment Offences-
Brings a 36" bass drum - $25.
Has more than one bass drum - $100.
Brings a 10" deep snare (for a solid back beat) - $50.
Brings more than 2 mounted toms - $25.
Has a tubular chrome bar that holds all his mounted toms - $50.
Brings more than one floor tom - $25.
Uses extra floor tom for ashtray & drink holder - $75.
Brings more than two crash cymbals - $25.
Doesn't bring a ride cymbal - $250.
Uses Sabian B8 cymbal set - Dismissal & Public Torture.
Uses ZBT, ZXT, et al cymbal set - Public Execution.
Brings a 46" Chinese gong (for big endings) - $75.
Brings two timpani (for really big endings) - $100.
Brings extra splashes (Just in case) - $25 each.
Doesn't own any brushes - $300.
Owns brushes but can't play them - $500.
Has a hi-hat that is welded shut - $250.
Asks leader where he can plug in his headphones - $200.
Asks Guitarist for help with unloading drums - $150.
Wears dirty white Nike sneakers on tux gig - $50.
Tunes snare drum during the benediction - $175.
Tunes snare drum - $10.
-Performance Offences-
Plays eighth note rock ballad style on "Stardust" - $150.
Pretends to read chart with big band - $25.
Actually reads drum part for big band (note for note) -$200.
Asks bass player "Where are we?" on "Happy Birthday" - $1000.
Plays disco beat on "A Train" - $200.
Plays shuffle on "Mustang Sally" - $100.
Plays "Mustang Sally" correctly – Dismissal.
Takes fours on "The Bride Cuts the Cake" - $100.
Takes a break when the leader says "A request for Take 5" - $25.
Actually tries to play on "Take 5" - $150.
Asks leader what brushes are - $250.
Plays breaks in "Cute" with sticks - $50.
Plays blast beats during "Johnny B. Goode" - $500.
-Miscellaneous Offences-
Mentions to host that "DJs are the wave of the future" - $100.
Is first in line at the party's buffet -$50.
Asks where the "to-go bags" are at the buffet line -$100.
Asks the bartender for 3 "Purple Shooters" - $50.
Says to the bride "You've got a nice set of hooters" - $25.
Says to the brides mother "Hey this is a f#%*in' good party"- $150.
Is ten minutes late for the next set - $25.
Is twenty minutes late for the next set - $10.
Never shows up for the next set - $1.
Wears Slipknot makeup for band photo shoot – Dismissal
Excessive Sweating - $5000.
-Drummer Crimes-
Warming up on "60 Ways..." or "Rosanna." - $50.
LISTENING to Rosanna, even in private with headphones on - $50.
Extends solo in Zep's "Rock & Roll" to 10 minutes - $1000.
Bringing a mega kit to a multiband gig - $100.
Breaking that kit down on stage after your ****ty set - $250.
Asks bassist to move rig so third floor tom will fit onstage - $50 per Sq. Ft.) Extra logo stickers on bass drum head - $75 each.
Stick holders - $10.
Drumming Shoes - $100.
Drumming gloves – Dismissal.
Double pedals - $500.
USING the double pedals. – Dismissal.
Wearing Zildjian T-shirt onstage. - $50.
Roto toms - $50 each.
RIMS mounts and Moongel used simultaneously - Public Flogging.
Extra deep kicks and toms - $50 each.
Glow in the dark drumsticks - $500.
Asks keyboard player about GED test - $150.
Hits on singer's girlfriend - $5.
Hits on club owner's wife - $1000.

Jim
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